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♪ The Simpsons ♪

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D'

3
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Aah!

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Another beautiful day
in the womb.

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♪♪

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Let go! Let go!

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I'm all naked and wet!

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Get up, Homer.
It's time for church.

9
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I don't want to go.

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It's church.
You have to go.

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Too cold out.

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I'm tired of having this argument
every Sunday. Get dressed.

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Stupid, itchy church pants.

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One size fits all, my butt.

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Come on.
We're going to be late.

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Forget it. I'm not going.

17
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Hey, where's Homer?

18
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Your father's... resting.

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Resting hung over,
resting got fired?

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Help me out here.

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I'm just a big,
toasty cinnamon bun.

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I never want to leave this bed.

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Got to take a whiz.

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Think, man, think.

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Think, think, think.

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I better get up.

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I'm whizzing with the door open,
and I love it.

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♪ Why, why, Delilah? ♪

29
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It's 11 KBBL degrees below zero.

30
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I hope you're someplace warm.

31
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You bet your sweet...

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ass!

33
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I'm afraid our furnace
isn't working.

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Yeah, what's the story?

35
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But let's just put it
out of our minds

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and turn to the lamentations
of Jeremiah...

37
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long version.

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"Joy is gone from our hearts.

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Our dancing
has turned to mourning."

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♪♪

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♪ Who wears short shorts? ♪

42
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♪ I wear short shorts ♪

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The perfect chance to make
my patented space-age

44
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out-of-this-world moon waffles.

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Let's see here.

46
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Caramels...

47
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waffle batter...

48
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liquid smoke...

49
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Ooh... waffle runoff.

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Fattening.

51
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And he was cast into
the fiery cauldron of Hell.

52
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The searing heat,

53
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the scalding rivers
of molten sulfur.

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I'm there.

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Here, boy.

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Okay, okay, okay, okay!

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The service is ended.

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Go in peace.

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♪♪

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The door's frozen shut...
and it's the only way out!

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Our Father who art in heaven...

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Lisa, this is neither
the time nor the place.

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That was Johnny Calhoun with

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"Gonna Find Me a Genie
with a Magic Bikini."

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Of course Johnny's
next record was a spoken-word album

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of his right-wing
political views.

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It kinda killed his career.

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If you can tell me
the name of that album

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call our contest line now.

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I know that!

71
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Hello, this is Homer Simpson.

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Homer, can you name that title?

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"This Things I Believe."

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Can we accept that?

75
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Whoo-hoo!

76
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How's that door coming, Willie?

77
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Miracles are
your department, Reverend.

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While we're waiting,

79
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why don't I read
from the Sunday bulletin?

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"Card table for sale.

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"Top badly damaged,
leg missing, otherwise fine.

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One dollar or best offer."

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You must be
the three chiropractors I sent for.

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Now, start manipulating
my spine.

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Hey, Moe, we don't know
nothing about manipulating.

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You heard the lady.
Grab her spine and get cracking.

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Moe is their leader.

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- Why you...
- Hey!

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Huzzah!

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Please, please,
Christians, don't push.

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Excuse me.
Pardon me. Whoa!

92
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Coming through. How ya doin'?
Love that hat, baby.

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Come on, TV, give me
some of that sweet, sweet pep.

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Let's define our terms,
gentlemen.

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Are we talking
about redistricting

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or are we talking
about reapportionment?

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Well. Can't win them all.

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We interrupt this
public affairs program

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to bring you a football game.

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Yes!

101
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Give it a little more gas.

102
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No, no, that's too much.

103
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Know what I think would help?

104
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What?! What would help?!

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Nothing.

106
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A 98-yard
triple reverse ties the score at 63-63.

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We have seen nothing but
razzle-dazzle here today.

108
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Three visits from Morgana,
the Kissing Bandit

109
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and the astonishing return
of Jim Brown.

110
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Whoo-hoo!

111
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Is that what I think it is?

112
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I found a penny!

113
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Could this be
the best day of my life?

114
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Looks like
we have a new champion.

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My beloved family.

116
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How was church?

117
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I, on the other hand,

118
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have been having
the best day of my life,

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and I owe it all
to skipping church.

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That's a terrible thing to say.

121
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Kids, your father
doesn't really mean that.

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Like fun, I don't.

123
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Marge, I'm never going
to church again.

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Homer, are you actually
giving up your faith?

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No! No, no, no, no, no, no.

126
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Well, yes.

127
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I can't believe
you're giving up church, Homer.

128
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Hey, what's the big deal

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about going to some building
every Sunday?

130
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I mean, isn't God everywhere?

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Amen, brother.

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And don't you think that
the Almighty

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has better things to worry about

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than where one little guy

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spends one measly hour
of his week?

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Tell it, Daddy.

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And what if we picked
the wrong religion?

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Every week we're just
making God madder and madder.

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Testify!

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Lord, my husband
is by no means perfect

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but he's a kind, decent man.

142
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Please show him
the error of his ways.

143
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Marge, come to bed.

144
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No, Homer.

145
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He doesn't mean
to be sacrilegious, Lord.

146
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He just likes
to sleep in on Sundays.

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Marge...

148
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come to bed, Marge.

149
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Lord, he's not a bad person,
Lord, really.

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He just sometimes...

151
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It's good for what ails you.

152
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He doesn't mean any harm.

153
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I can wait all...

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Ooh!

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God?

156
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Thou hast forsaken my church!

157
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Well, kind of...
but...

158
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But what?

159
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I'm not a bad guy.

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I work hard and I love my kids

161
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so why should I spend
half my Sunday

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hearing about
how I'm going to hell?

163
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You've got a point there.

164
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You know, sometimes

165
00:09:51,799 --> 00:09:54,093
even I'd rather
be watching football.

166
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Does St. Louis
still have a team?

167
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No. They moved
to Phoenix.

168
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Yeah.

169
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You know what I really hate
about church?

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Those boring sermons.

171
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I couldn't agree more.

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That Reverend Lovejoy
really displeases me.

173
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I think I'll give him
a canker sore.

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Give him one for me.

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I will.

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So I figure I should
just try to live right

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and worship you in my own way.

178
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Homer, it's a deal.

179
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Now, if you'll excuse me

180
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I have to appear in a tortilla
in Mexico.

181
00:10:35,343 --> 00:10:36,543
Dad, can I ask you a question?

182
00:10:36,594 --> 00:10:37,887
Sure, honey.

183
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Why are you dedicating
your life to blasphemy?

184
00:10:40,890 --> 00:10:42,433
Don't worry, sweetheart.

185
00:10:42,516 --> 00:10:45,645
If I'm wrong,
I'll recant on my deathbed.

186
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Hello, my animal friends.

187
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Peace be with you.

188
00:10:52,401 --> 00:10:54,487
Guys, please,
could you give me five minutes?

189
00:10:54,570 --> 00:10:56,155
Reverend Lovejoy

190
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I had an ulterior motive
in inviting you to dinner.

191
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- What?!
- No, it's nothing bad.

192
00:11:02,161 --> 00:11:03,829
I'm just concerned
because my husband

193
00:11:03,913 --> 00:11:06,290
hasn't been attending
your services lately.

194
00:11:06,374 --> 00:11:08,584
Well, I wasn't sure
I was doing the right thing

195
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:11,545
but then God himself told me
I should seek a new path.

196
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- Really?
- Yeah.

197
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He appeared before me in a dream

198
00:11:15,091 --> 00:11:16,425
and I knew that was special

199
00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:19,220
'cause I usually dream
about naked... Marge.

200
00:11:20,471 --> 00:11:22,431
So, Homer,
you saw the big cheese?

201
00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:23,974
What did he look like?

202
00:11:24,058 --> 00:11:25,768
Perfect teeth, nice smell...

203
00:11:25,851 --> 00:11:27,353
a class act all the way.

204
00:11:27,436 --> 00:11:29,355
Homer, you're crazy!

205
00:11:29,438 --> 00:11:31,524
Tell him this is all crazy.

206
00:11:31,607 --> 00:11:34,819
Homer, I'd like you
to remember Matthew 7:26...

207
00:11:34,902 --> 00:11:36,028
The foolish man

208
00:11:36,112 --> 00:11:38,280
who built his house on sand.

209
00:11:38,364 --> 00:11:41,117
And you remember...

210
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:44,620
Matthew... 21:17.

211
00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:45,996
"And he left them

212
00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:47,957
"and went out of the city
into Bethany

213
00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:49,208
and he lodged there"?

214
00:11:49,291 --> 00:11:51,210
Yeah.

215
00:11:51,293 --> 00:11:52,920
Think about it.

216
00:11:53,003 --> 00:11:55,464
Hello, work?
This is Homer Simpson.

217
00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:57,550
I won't be coming in tomorrow.

218
00:11:57,633 --> 00:11:59,135
Religious holiday.

219
00:11:59,218 --> 00:12:00,219
The, feast of...

220
00:12:00,302 --> 00:12:02,388
maximum occupancy.

221
00:12:02,471 --> 00:12:03,931
Pretty slick.

222
00:12:04,014 --> 00:12:05,891
You should join
my religion, Moe.

223
00:12:05,975 --> 00:12:06,892
It's great.

224
00:12:06,976 --> 00:12:08,310
No hell, no kneeling...

225
00:12:08,394 --> 00:12:09,979
Sorry, Homer.

226
00:12:10,062 --> 00:12:12,356
I was born a snake handler
and I'll die a snake handler.

227
00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:17,319
Neighbor,
I heard about your heresy

228
00:12:17,403 --> 00:12:20,990
and we've made it our mission
to win you back to the flock.

229
00:12:21,073 --> 00:12:23,325
- No sale.
- Homer, Christian life

230
00:12:23,409 --> 00:12:25,369
isn't all praying and sacrifice.

231
00:12:25,453 --> 00:12:27,163
Hey, dig this.

232
00:12:27,246 --> 00:12:28,873
♪ God said to Noah ♪

233
00:12:28,956 --> 00:12:30,708
♪ There's gonna be
a floody-floody ♪

234
00:12:34,211 --> 00:12:35,796
♪ Rain came down ♪

235
00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:38,507
♪ It started
to get muddy-muddy ♪

236
00:12:42,386 --> 00:12:44,346
♪ Get those animals ♪

237
00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:46,807
♪ Out on the arky-arky ♪

238
00:12:46,891 --> 00:12:48,058
Leave me alone.

239
00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:50,227
Dad, the heathen's getting away.

240
00:12:50,311 --> 00:12:51,520
I see him, son.

241
00:13:22,968 --> 00:13:24,261
Where are we going?

242
00:13:24,345 --> 00:13:25,554
Garbage island.

243
00:14:06,345 --> 00:14:07,471
Let's go, kids.

244
00:14:07,555 --> 00:14:09,682
How come we have to go to church

245
00:14:09,765 --> 00:14:11,525
and Dad gets to stay home
and watch cartoons?

246
00:14:13,143 --> 00:14:14,311
I have a responsibility

247
00:14:14,395 --> 00:14:16,063
to raise these children right,

248
00:14:16,146 --> 00:14:17,565
and unless you change

249
00:14:17,648 --> 00:14:19,275
I'll have to tell them
their father is...

250
00:14:20,526 --> 00:14:21,526
Well, wicked.

251
00:14:21,569 --> 00:14:22,903
Kids, let me tell you

252
00:14:22,987 --> 00:14:25,406
about another
so-called "wicked" guy.

253
00:14:25,489 --> 00:14:28,617
He had long hair
and some wild ideas

254
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:29,994
and he didn't always do

255
00:14:30,077 --> 00:14:32,496
what other people
thought was right

256
00:14:32,580 --> 00:14:35,833
and that man's name was...

257
00:14:35,916 --> 00:14:37,126
I forget.

258
00:14:37,209 --> 00:14:38,335
But the point is...

259
00:14:38,419 --> 00:14:41,088
I forget that too.

260
00:14:41,171 --> 00:14:43,132
Marge, you know
who I'm talking about.

261
00:14:43,215 --> 00:14:44,359
He used to drive that blue car.

262
00:14:44,383 --> 00:14:46,135
Kids, could you wait outside
for us?

263
00:14:48,387 --> 00:14:50,097
Homer, please
don't make me choose

264
00:14:50,180 --> 00:14:52,975
between my man and my God
because you just can't win.

265
00:14:53,058 --> 00:14:54,268
There you go again.

266
00:14:54,351 --> 00:14:56,937
Always taking
someone else's side.

267
00:14:57,021 --> 00:15:00,441
Flanders,
the water department, God...

268
00:15:00,524 --> 00:15:03,611
I'm only going to ask you
one last time.

269
00:15:03,694 --> 00:15:06,739
Are you sure you won't
come with us to church?

270
00:15:06,822 --> 00:15:08,949
Coming up next:
Make your own ladder.

271
00:15:09,033 --> 00:15:10,075
Very sure.

272
00:15:13,162 --> 00:15:14,872
My friends

273
00:15:14,955 --> 00:15:17,333
the devil walks among us.

274
00:15:19,335 --> 00:15:20,878
I got him!

275
00:15:20,961 --> 00:15:23,881
No, don't look for the pitchfork
and pointy tail.

276
00:15:23,964 --> 00:15:26,926
Today's devil has assumed
a more seductive form

277
00:15:27,009 --> 00:15:28,302
pleasing to the eye.

278
00:15:28,385 --> 00:15:29,929
H-h.

279
00:15:30,012 --> 00:15:32,431
An interview
with Lorne Michaels.

280
00:15:32,514 --> 00:15:33,432
H-h-h.

281
00:15:33,515 --> 00:15:35,392
Wait, that's no good.

282
00:15:35,476 --> 00:15:37,102
Hey, now we're talking.

283
00:15:37,186 --> 00:15:39,980
"Our unabashed dictionary
defines I.U.D.

284
00:15:40,064 --> 00:15:42,942
as 'love springs internal.'"

285
00:15:44,276 --> 00:15:45,402
I don't get it.

286
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:49,406
Hello.
I'm collecting

287
00:15:49,490 --> 00:15:51,784
for the Brotherhood
of Jewish Clowns.

288
00:15:51,867 --> 00:15:54,203
Last year tornados
claimed the lives

289
00:15:54,286 --> 00:15:56,080
of 75 Jewish clowns.

290
00:15:56,163 --> 00:15:57,581
The worst incident

291
00:15:57,665 --> 00:16:00,584
was during our convention
in Lubbock, Texas.

292
00:16:00,668 --> 00:16:04,254
There were floppy shoes
and rainbow wigs everywhere.

293
00:16:04,338 --> 00:16:07,633
It was terrible.

294
00:16:07,716 --> 00:16:10,260
Wait a minute.
Is this a religious thing?

295
00:16:10,344 --> 00:16:12,680
A religious clown thing, yes.

296
00:16:12,763 --> 00:16:13,990
- Sorry.
- Well, bless you any...

297
00:16:14,014 --> 00:16:17,267
Remember the Sabbath day
to keep it holy.

298
00:16:19,019 --> 00:16:21,397
Apu, I see you're not in church.

299
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:23,732
But I am.
I have a shrine to Ganesha

300
00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:26,944
the god of worldly wisdom,
located in the employee lounge.

301
00:16:27,027 --> 00:16:28,862
Hey, Ganesha, want a peanut?

302
00:16:28,946 --> 00:16:30,781
Please do not offer my god
a peanut.

303
00:16:30,864 --> 00:16:33,051
No offense, Apu, but when
they were handing out religions

304
00:16:33,075 --> 00:16:35,077
you must have been out
taking a whiz.

305
00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:37,371
Mr. Simpson,
please pay for your purchases

306
00:16:37,454 --> 00:16:38,914
and get out, and come again.

307
00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:42,084
Pride goeth before destruction.

308
00:16:42,167 --> 00:16:43,711
Boy...

309
00:16:43,794 --> 00:16:47,631
everyone is stupid except me.

310
00:17:04,815 --> 00:17:08,652
Marge, turn down the heat.

311
00:17:08,736 --> 00:17:10,738
That's better.

312
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:36,513
Fire!

313
00:17:36,597 --> 00:17:38,766
What do I do?!
What do I do?!

314
00:17:40,142 --> 00:17:41,602
The song, the song.

315
00:17:41,685 --> 00:17:43,896
♪ When a fire
starts to burn ♪

316
00:17:43,979 --> 00:17:45,606
♪ There's a lesson
you must learn ♪

317
00:17:45,689 --> 00:17:47,900
♪ Something, something,
then you'll see ♪

318
00:17:47,983 --> 00:17:50,277
♪ You'll avoid
catastrophe ♪

319
00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:51,779
D'

320
00:17:55,616 --> 00:17:57,159
Fire at the old Simpson place!

321
00:18:00,454 --> 00:18:02,134
You're on your honor
not to steal anything.

322
00:18:02,206 --> 00:18:04,374
We won't.

323
00:18:06,543 --> 00:18:07,836
Little Jumpshid,

324
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,755
the store is in your hands.

325
00:18:09,838 --> 00:18:11,078
How I have waited for this day.

326
00:18:27,898 --> 00:18:31,151
You ducks are really
trying my patience!

327
00:18:31,235 --> 00:18:32,694
But you're so cute.

328
00:18:34,238 --> 00:18:36,657
Homer! Homer!

329
00:18:44,873 --> 00:18:48,085
No!

330
00:18:59,638 --> 00:19:01,598
Dear Lord, may your loving hand

331
00:19:01,682 --> 00:19:03,976
guide Homer to the mattress,
square and true.

332
00:19:09,231 --> 00:19:11,275
Okay.

333
00:19:21,410 --> 00:19:24,163
Flanders, you saved me.

334
00:19:24,246 --> 00:19:25,706
Why?

335
00:19:25,789 --> 00:19:29,877
Heck, you would have done
the same for me.

336
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:32,421
Help! Help!

337
00:19:34,965 --> 00:19:36,925
That's right, old friend.

338
00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:38,177
Dad!

339
00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:39,678
Homie, are you all right?

340
00:19:39,761 --> 00:19:43,182
Our magazines and
roach traps, gone!

341
00:19:43,265 --> 00:19:44,892
All gone.

342
00:19:47,269 --> 00:19:50,272
I saved your cat.

343
00:19:50,355 --> 00:19:52,149
That hurt.

344
00:19:52,232 --> 00:19:55,652
Hey, what are these axes for?

345
00:19:55,736 --> 00:19:57,905
I don't know.
Chopping stuff.

346
00:19:57,988 --> 00:19:59,114
Gotcha!

347
00:20:01,783 --> 00:20:03,202
Some nice chopping.

348
00:20:03,285 --> 00:20:06,205
Truly, this was an act of God.

349
00:20:08,123 --> 00:20:09,208
Hey, wait a minute!

350
00:20:09,291 --> 00:20:11,710
Flanders is
a regular Charlie Church

351
00:20:11,793 --> 00:20:14,087
and God didn't save his house.

352
00:20:16,089 --> 00:20:17,174
D'

353
00:20:17,257 --> 00:20:19,843
Any valuables in the house?

354
00:20:19,927 --> 00:20:22,179
Well, the Picasso,

355
00:20:22,262 --> 00:20:24,181
my collection of classic cars...

356
00:20:24,264 --> 00:20:26,683
Sorry. This policy
only covers actual losses,

357
00:20:26,767 --> 00:20:28,060
not made-up stuff.

358
00:20:28,143 --> 00:20:29,811
Well, that's just great.

359
00:20:29,895 --> 00:20:32,397
Fire... man's oldest foe.

360
00:20:32,481 --> 00:20:35,234
Insatiable, remorseless,
unquenchable.

361
00:20:35,317 --> 00:20:36,485
Hey, it's out.

362
00:20:38,278 --> 00:20:40,239
Coming up next:
Which work better...

363
00:20:40,322 --> 00:20:43,200
Springy clothespins
or the other kind?

364
00:20:46,954 --> 00:20:50,499
You know, I have a feeling
there's a lesson here.

365
00:20:50,582 --> 00:20:52,084
Yes. The lesson is...

366
00:20:52,167 --> 00:20:54,461
No, don't tell me.
I'll get it.

367
00:20:54,544 --> 00:20:55,963
I know.

368
00:20:56,046 --> 00:20:58,048
The Lord is vengeful.

369
00:20:58,131 --> 00:20:59,883
Spiteful one

370
00:20:59,967 --> 00:21:02,511
show me who to smite
and they shall be smoten.

371
00:21:02,594 --> 00:21:05,097
Homer, God didn't
set your house on fire.

372
00:21:05,180 --> 00:21:07,391
No, but he was working
in the hearts

373
00:21:07,474 --> 00:21:10,686
of your friends and neighbors
when they went to your aid,

374
00:21:10,769 --> 00:21:12,521
be they Christian, Jew, or...

375
00:21:12,604 --> 00:21:14,064
miscellaneous.

376
00:21:14,147 --> 00:21:16,692
Hindu.
There are 700 million of us.

377
00:21:16,775 --> 00:21:18,026
Aw, that's super.

378
00:21:18,110 --> 00:21:19,987
I was rude to every one of you,

379
00:21:20,070 --> 00:21:21,947
and you saved my life

380
00:21:22,030 --> 00:21:23,782
when you could have
just left me to fry

381
00:21:23,865 --> 00:21:26,493
like the proverbial pancake
that I am.

382
00:21:26,576 --> 00:21:30,998
Homie, I'm so glad
to hear you say that.

383
00:21:31,081 --> 00:21:33,083
Now, would you give church
another try?

384
00:21:33,166 --> 00:21:36,628
I'll be there next Sunday,
front row center.

385
00:21:45,304 --> 00:21:46,888
Don't feel bad, Homer.

386
00:21:46,972 --> 00:21:50,434
Nine out of ten religions
fail in their first year.

387
00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:54,021
That's game, Hendrix.

388
00:21:54,104 --> 00:21:56,481
God, I got to ask you something.

389
00:21:56,565 --> 00:21:58,525
What's the meaning of life?

390
00:21:58,608 --> 00:22:00,277
Homer, I can't tell you that.

391
00:22:00,360 --> 00:22:02,029
Come on.

392
00:22:02,112 --> 00:22:04,489
You'll find out when you die.

393
00:22:04,573 --> 00:22:05,866
I can't wait that long.

394
00:22:05,949 --> 00:22:08,076
You can't wait six months?

395
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:09,953
No, tell me now.

396
00:22:10,037 --> 00:22:12,289
Well, okay.

397
00:22:12,372 --> 00:22:14,750
The meaning of life is...

398
00:22:57,584 --> 00:22:58,584
Shh!

399
00:23:02,047 --> 00:23:04,925
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